number 9's hanging from the ceiling. i almost forgot the night before, i'm glad i didn't. after we sang "today it is your birthday and i sing to let you know, that you will be queen for the day, whatever you say goes [almost]" and the regular birthday song and to bye bye birdies big fan following theme song 'i love you elli, oh yes i do....', the first thing she inquired was if there was anything, perhaps number 9's out in the other room. whew.

tomato soup, tater tots, a dancing fire in the back yard, carving sticks, toasted marshmallows, this is how we celebrate as a family. wash hands, brush teeth, phoenix goes to bed.

the sky was the color of lilacs last night as we lay in the hammock to read. we snuggled under the hundred year old quilt and new birthday towel from friends. we read. i remember. i'm reading but taken to a different place in my mind. a place where i wonder how i can possibly live in the moment and not feel as if time is slipping away. a place where i am sinking in to this moment. a place where i just am, we just are, she just is. i think about where i was nine years prior...snuggling with her under a new baby blanket i had made out of reproduction vintage fabric. looking at her little face, her hands sore from where she would suck in utero and the little tiny socks i placed over them so they could have time to heal. i think about her birth and never before feeling so connected to another human, working so together. i remember feeling as if i was floating each breath i would take through the contractions. i remember feeling a presence of god, that god had filled that room and just as she was surrounded by me, we were surrounded by him.

we crawl into bed together and we talk about the day she was born. the two giant bowls of raisin bran i ate that morning. the young couple who passed me by at the park and said hello and wished me well after i couldn't hold in that i was in labor! ocean screaming as we walked the many blocks home from wilshire park. the anxious feeling i had as we drove in our 78 vw bus over to the birthing center, how nice it felt laboring in water, the quiet in the room where i felt so happily in my own space even though it was shared with her daddio and a quiet nurse....we fall asleep hand in hand connected and still surrounded.